I have been practicing a few guidance techniques lately that I wanted to share with you….
Show of hands…. how many of you ask “WHY?” to your young children on a regular basis wanting to know his/her intent for their behavior?
(raising my hand)
Here are a few examples of my very own “Why?” questions…
1) “Why did you hit your sister?”
2) “Why did you pee on your dresser?”
3) “Why did you throw that food on the floor?”
Well, the answers are usually
1) “because she was pushing me.”
2) “because I thought it would be fun.”
3) “because I didn’t want it any more.”
Okay soooo there are teachable moments that follow these instances of course. But lately, I have been practicing a tip that I think is from “Parenting is Heart Work” to ask more WHAT questions rather than “why” questions.
OHHHHH that makes SOOOO much more sense.
It gives my kids time to reflect on WHAT they just did and not try to figure out why they just did it.
So instead, I have been taking Sean Patrick’s hand and in a calm, loving (non-condescending) voice saying
1) “What did your hand just do?”….. “What are our hands for?” “Are they for hitting?” “What can you do next time to solve your problem more calmly?”
2) “What did you just do to your dresser?” “Is the dresser for tee tee or the potty for tee tee?” “What should you do next time you need to tee tee?”
3) “What did you just do to your food?” “Is that where your food goes when you are done?” “What should we do with our food when we are done?”
This makes the teachable moments so much more interactive and impressionable trust me!
And I am sure you are all still stuck on number 2 haha
Well, another tip I am learning from “Parenting is Heart Work” is to stay calm and NOT be reactive by showing sorrow instead of anger. So when Sean Patrick peed on his dresser I put the palms of my hands and my fingertips together like I was praying, put my pointer fingers up to my lips and CLOSED my eyes with frowed eyebrows (try this right now to see what I am talking about).
I held that position for about 15 seconds and didn’t say anything. Sean Patrick started asking me WHY questions haha “Why are you sad mom?” (still no response) “I’m sorry I tee teed on my dresser!” (still in prayerful pose) “I will never do it again!” (still praying to stay calm) “Why are you sad?”
Then I responded. I am sad because you tee teed in your room so now it will stink. I am sad because you tee teed on your clothes and now it all needs to be washed. And I was hoping that you knew where you are supposed to tee tee every time.
In this instance I didn’t need to ask him the WHAT questions because he acknowledge WHAT he did when I was in prayer pose. And he decided that he was not going to do that again which is what I would have asked him as well.
He didn’t do it again, and in fact he came up to me the next time he tee teed and said “Mom I tee teed in the potty and not on my dresser… Are you proud of me?”
Haha “Yes big boy, yes I am very proud that you made a good choice.”
I have taken graduate level courses in child psychology and behavior management. I have spent countless hours in classes, seminars and meetings about how to set rules, boundaries, and expectations and how to discipline effectively using positive reinforcements – and had a few years in the classroom using those practices that I was taught. I have read books and manuals and blogs and magazines and read and read and read and studied about how to get my students to do what I need them to do, when I need them to do it.
And my expert, degreed self had a vision of how I would teach and discipline my own kids one day (as if MY kids would ever need it). Here’s how my perfect mommy self would “handle” (for lack of a better word – where’s my thesaurus???) my kids.
1. I would always explain why I needed them to do something. “The reason I need you to be quiet right now is because Mommy needs to make a phone call and I can’t hear the person on the other line when you are also talking.”
2. I would always use positive speak (i.e. “Walk” instead of “Don’t run.”)
3. “Because I said so” would NEVER be a spoken from my mouth. Instead I would always do #1.
(Ok. You can stop laughing at me now. We are always better parents before we are actually parents, right?)
So, then I became a real parent, and you know what I learned when my first born was a toddler? “Because I said so” sometimes IS the reason I need them to stop what they are doing. Maybe because they wouldn’t understand the real reason, or maybe because I just don’t feel like giving a reason (I’m not alone here!), or maybe because there isn’t any time to explain. For example…
When my oldest son was a little over two, I took him and his baby brother to the park with some friends. Up to this point, I believe I had stuck to my ideal vision that I stated above – pretty easy to do when they are in the baby and new-toddler phases.
I was sitting on the picnic blanket nursing the baby who was still in “blob mode”(around 2 months old) and my two-year-old was running in the open field between me and the parking lot. At one point, he decided to chase some older kids who were closer to the parking lot.
Realizing I was a little tied up at the moment (bare breasts under the nursing cover), I decided to raise my voice (not yell… no, never yell) at my son to come play closer to me…
“James, come back!”
Haha, yeah, like that worked. The two-year-old ran a little farther away.
“Jaaaames! Come back over here, please!”
And to my naive astonishment, the kid didn’t even slow down. In fact, I believe he sped up!
Then, it hit me. I had always been close enough to him to be able to explain to him WHY he shouldn’t be doing something. This insta-command thing was new. He had never heard it before. So just as he was nearing the parking lot, I yelled,
“JAMES! YOU NEED TO GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO RUN INTO A PARKING LOT AND THERE ARE CARS AND YOU COULD GET HIT BY A CAR BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO SHORT AND THEY WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE YOU AND THAT WOULD HURT A LOT!”
Or something to that effect.
That moment right there, the first time my son completely ignored me. It wasn’t until I gave him that explanation of WHY he shouldn’t do something, completely changed my ideal vision of parenting. Why did he do that? Because up until that day I had explained every.little.thing to him… and don’t get me wrong! That’s how they learn best how to not just DO, but understand right versus wrong.
But in an emergency… when they truly truly need to stop what they are doing. They need to STOP. NOW. There is no time for an explanation. They need to understand that you mean business.
That’s when I invented the “code word.” I needed a shortcut to get my child to listen without question.
FREEZE.
We went home and practiced it. FREEZE. When Mommy says that word, it does not matter what you are doing, what you WANT to be doing or what you were ABOUT to do; you are going to stop, put your hands on your head, and turn to look at me.
Now, the “put your hands on your head” part may seem a bit extreme, but trust me, when they are playing with a toy, the only way to get their undivided attention is to make sure their hands are empty.
I recently noticed my 3-year-old doing the same thing as my older son had done years before. This week, I brought back our old friend, FREEZE.
The kids have a great time playing our FREEZE game where they get to cut up and act crazy, then Mommy yells “FREEZE” and they immediately stop with their hands on their head. They also like playing Mommy’s role and telling me when to FREEZE.
With some short reminders in the car when we are about to go into the store or play at the park, the kids remember to respond immediately when I yell the code word. It’s also a great way to get both of their attention when I need them to switch activities. It gives me time to explain how we are going to transition into the next activity.
Do you have a code word? What do you use? Comment below to share!!!
I have been so excited to see my son associate amounts with numbers lately. He is starting to understand that a number is not just a bunch of shapes (one looks like a line, zero looks like a circle, etc) but he is starting to have Number Sense.
Sean Patrick’s first attempt to make “three” with his fingers
Sean Patrick is 3 and a half and I realized we have used his age in association for almost everything we do:
Three minutes in time out
Three treats as rewards
Three bedtime stories
Three minutes on the timer in preparation for bedtime or leaving the house
Three crayons out at a time while he is coloring
Three kids in our family! (Number three is three months now but I loved this pic)
You get the picture 🙂
Because there is so much consistency and exposure to the AMOUNT three, Sean Patrick knows every combination that makes up three:
I was JUST upstairs telling him bedtime stories before his nap and after the first one I told him, he held up one finger and said “That was one, two more please.”
My husband has done a great job playing “How many fingers am I holding up?” with him because he will play it fast and fun and if Sean Patrick messes up then they count to see how many he is really holding up. (That is a common core standard by the way- recognizing that the last the last number said when counting is the number that represents the group counted!)
So, if you haven’t tried this yet, start making a habit of associating as much as you can with your child’s age. This year Sean Patrick will learn ALL the ins and outs of “what makes three” and even if I introduce him to “what makes four” and “what makes five” when he is ready, he will really have fluency to compose and decompose these familiar numbers!
We are absolutely loving our daily devotions! The kids are finally not protesting them anymore (before they just wanted to run off to watch TV after homework), but now they jump up and down asking what type of activity we are doing (not every day, but some)! This week, we even did a science experiment as one of our activities! Have you ever related God to oil? Haha… maybe it was a stretch, but the kids loved it and totally got my analogy, so that’s what matters!
When my husband got home, the boys couldn’t wait to tell him what they learned which sparked my husband’s Daddy Teacher side (he taught math, science and engineering to high schoolers before he became a mechanical engineer). He ended up creating a science experiment that will be my next post in a few days.
Day 1: An Adventure with Me
“On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” -John 14:20
If you have any matryoshka (nesting) dolls lying around your house, this verse can be perfectly portrayed by using those dolls. If not, any type of nesting toys such as blocks or cups can be used just fine. For your older child, you can label the big nesting doll “God,” the next size “Jesus,” the next your son/daughter’s name, and the next “Jesus” again.
This one took some convincing for my 3 year old to understand that God was not an LSU football player, and to get past the fact that each doll has a “shirt” (top) and “pants” (bottom).
Me: “Leyson, so where is Jesus?” Leyson: “He is wearing my pants.” Me: “No, he is inside you. Inside you.” ::sigh::
Next lesson: the difference between “where” and “wear” and maybe we’ll just use nesting blocks instead of the nesting dolls. 😉
“For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own pets have said, ‘We are his offspring.'” -Acts 17:28
“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness.” -Colossians 2:6-7
Day 2: Never Changing
“God is not a God of confusion but a God of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:33
The devotion talked about all of the distractions we face daily…hourly…and how one thing always remains the same: God. He is a constant in our lives. While we are growing and changing, He is the one thing we can count on to always be there for us.
Today, I wanted to do an illustration on things that change and things that remain the same.
Materials: 2 bowls, oil, water, food coloring
I pulled out 2 bowls and filled one with water and one with oil. I explained to the kids that we are like the water, always growing and changing, learning new things, adjusting to new situations. James added food coloring to our water to see how the water automatically changed to blue.
Then I explained that God is always the same, always there for us. He is not going to be changed or influenced by distractions like we are. He is not going to walk away from us even when we mess up. His love for us remains the same. Leyson added food coloring to the oil and the oil did not change. It did not spread and turn the oil blue like it did the water.
“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
Day 3: I Am the Light
“I am the light of the world. The person who follows me will never live in darkness. He will have the light that gives life.” -John 8:12
Today’s discussion was about the Light that fills our hearts and the darkness that can overtake it, if you let it.
Materials: black paper, pencil, glue, glitter, tray or box with sides (to limit the mess)
Draw a large heart on the black paper. Talk about how hate, jealousy, rudeness, disobedience, dishonesty and disrespect can all darken the heart. Let your child paint the inside of the heart with glue and fill it with glitter.
Talk about how Jesus’ love for us and our obedience to follow Him will fill our hearts with light. My kids had a great time waving their hearts around to see the light dance against the glitter.
“You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” -Psalm 32:7
Day 4: No Other Friend Like Me
There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” -John 15:13
We pulled one of our favorite Disney songs to help us with today’s devotion. We compared the love and friendship that Andy and Woody have with each other to our relationship with Christ. We also closed our eyes and listened to the words of this song describing their friendship and talked about how that relates to us and our BFF, Jesus.
“I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” -John 15:14-15
Day 5: Depend on Me
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” -Ephesians 6:10
God is the ultimate superhero – putting it in 6-year-old boy terms here. He is super duper strong, like an ant. We discussed how strong ants are in comparison to their bodies, and how big and heavy the things they carry can be.
Materials: stirring straws, cheerios, glue
We pretended our fingers were little ants and made dumbbells to pump some ant iron and show their strength. Cutting the straws into 3 inch pieces, we slipped cheerios onto each end. James decided 3 cheerios on each end was about what an ant can carry (he thinks he is Wikipedia and knows everything).
Then my 6-year-old know-it-all decided to multiply the weight that the ants can carry times a million trillion billion because that’s how strong God is.
“The God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26-27
If you are doing Bible studies with your kids at home, we would love to hear from you! Are you following a specific kid’s devotional or study, or making your own up as you go along? Comment below to tell us all about it!
HEAD’S UP, MOMMY TEACHERS! This Sunday is Grandparents Day! My kids love their grandparents so much and wanted to make them a special gift for their big day!
My 4-month old niece, Marley Kate, recently sent me a cute letter and it inspired our Grandparents Day gifts.
Since our printer is broken, I decided to hand paint ours, and leave a spot open for my niece, Abby, to stamp her foot, too. This one below is on its way to Oklahoma right now.
Then I thought it would be a great idea to make a few hand print art templates for you to purchase and download so your children can make beautiful art for their grandparents too!
In addition to a “You Are My Sunshine” template for your baby/toddler’s footprints, I have also made a “You Are o-FISH-ally My Favorite” template for a sideways hand print and an “Owl Always Love You” template for a palm hand print and thumbprints for wings.
These templates are available to download this week for just $1 for all 3! Enjoy!
Happy Grandparents Day to all of you Grammy and Grampy Teachers out there!!! Thank you for all that you do! Your grandchildren love and appreciate you!
