I needed to hear this. You are not a robot. I am so hard on myself. Sometimes I feel like I am doing it all wrong. Last week I had a moment where I felt like my own emotions had really failed my child. I felt stuck. It took a counselor looking at me through my tears to remind me that I’m not a robot. It was the first time I realized that I idealized an automated response for all things parenting. I want to respond in all the right ways. I want to have it all together as the parent. But the truth is, parenting is so much harder than I imagined back when I knew it all (before I had kids).
My kids need a chance to understand their emotional reactions, and guess what? So do I.
“Mommy needs a time out.”
I need time and space to cool down from my emotional responses to a messy house, bickering, trying to juggle all the various needs, feeling unappreciated, and you name it.
I need a “go to” response. We came up with one that day, the counselor and I. I went home and talked about it with the kids and we even practiced what we would do if I felt like my anger or frustration was going to get the best of me:
We came up with “Can you go find mommy a special pebble?” Any time I feel my blood start to boil I will say “Go find mommy a pebble.”
They go searching for a perfect pebble, or rock, and then they come back with a pebble. I then say “Tell me about your pebble” and they describe it to me. This is mindfulness.
(If they are too little you may have to tell them to go find a special blanket or something like that).
Then, I ask “What went wrong?” “What can we do better?” and “What are the consequences if we keep choosing to (fill in the blank)?”
This is FOR ME.
I only just started reading The Whole Brain Child for some helpful “automated responses” that I can already tell should be a prerequisite to parenting and I’m not even kidding. I wish I had started it sooner.
But, I just wanted to give you something FOR TODAY. Just one little thing today to remind you that you are not a robot, you are not alone, and there are resources out there for you. We can do this.
First, let me just be honest and say that when my husband wasn’t home I had gotten into the habit of sitting my kids in front of the TV to feed them dinner.
One reason is because I have to admit that I can be a short-order cook who makes my kids what they like to eat if my husband is not home. I’m not saying that I recommend this or that I am proud of it, but it does work for us sometimes.
Secondly, I just needed that time sometimes at the end of the day to not have to think. I wanted to be able to tackle dinner in the best way (solo) that I was able to at the time.
But, when my husband was home for dinner we tried to sit around the table and share about our highs and lows, which was not easy when the kids were really little. But, as the kids are getting older (preschool age and above), we are now sharing about our day regularly and I want to tell you what is working for us lately.
My husband and I came up with the idea of sharing one thing we Loved, one thing we Learned, and one thing we Loathed about our day. The kids immediately loved this idea. So, we started to stick with that and just talk about it. It actually reminded me of the Berenstain Bear’s Book “Too Much TV” where it says that the bears used to have “lively conversations around the dinner table” but now “they just sat around and chewed…”
That is how it felt honestly, but in reverse. We were mostly just trying to teach some table manners, clean up messes, and re-heat food, but now we feel like our dinner time is a little more purposeful with “lively conversations around the dinner table.”
This book really is the best tie in for this transition. It is one of my favorites.
Once we started our new little conversation starter, we ended up starting to go around the table and let the kids share from littlest to biggest, one by one, what they loved, learned and loathed about their day. They even started to remind us if we forgot “We gotta share what we loved, learned and loathed about our day!”
When I was a kid, we used to share about our day around the dinner table holding Centrum Vitamins because my dad said whoever had the Centrum Vitamins was the “Centrum of Attention.” Classic dad joke.
So, I took that idea (kind of) and decided to make signs to keep us on track and whoever held the signs would be the only one allowed to talk until they got to complete their turn. It ended up being a really pleasant part of the day and my daughter even had an assignment to write what her favorite family activity was, she wrote “Sharing are (our) day.” That is when I realized that no matter how tired I am during “the witching hour” every day… this “love, learn, loathe” thing is simple, but meaningful, and we are going to stick with it.
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And here is how I assembled my signs but you don’t have to make signs. You can 1) just talk about it. 2) print onto regular paper or 3) write the words paper plates with a sharpie (your kids wont know the difference). This is just a resource I wanted to make for myself and decided to share. 🙂
I printed my signs on white cardstock.I cut them out right around the border of the circle and laminated with my self-laminator.I cut them out again and then hot glued wooden dowels I found at the family dollar store. I actually ended up printing a second copy for the backside because I am an over-achiever/perfectionist. I promise you don’t have to do any of this.
And then finally, I made my kids take pictures with the signs because that is half the fun. I’m so glad at least one of them was willing to get into character for “loathe.”
This is my last book review of this little series and I think I actually saved the best for last. This book hasn’t even been active on Amazon for one month so you are probably the very first to hear about it… you could even be the one to make it go viral. Who knows?
My friend from Modern Mommy Madness posted on Facebook the other day about all that she had accomplished in one day, and basically wanted to make sure it would not be overlooked that moms are, in fact, warriors. Please take a moment to let that sink in. That is where “Mom University” by Rebecca Ventre rises to the occasion. This book shows kids (in a unique and creative way) what types of “rigorous training” moms have to go through to graduate with a mom degree.
I love how creative the thought process, storyline, and illustrations are in this book. Rebecca always has a way of connecting kids AND moms to the story. It always impresses me when an adult and a kid can both be entertained by the same thing…. like Disney movies… it’s just better that way.
My Teaching Moments: When reading this book I like to talk to my kids about what it was like waiting for them to be born, and how excited I was to hold them, and meet them, and learn all the things that make them happy and even sad. I also write these things down in a separate journal for each of my kids. My mom has Alzheimer’s so I can’t ask her about these things and I like for the moments to be ingrained in my children’s minds. I want them to know that every moment with them is worth any of the challenges that come our way.
Please get this book and start to remind your kids that they were anticipated, they are loved and valued, and that no accomplishment has ever made you more proud than to be their mom!
Here is my second book review in a three part review because there was absolutely no way for me to clump three amazing books together in one post. Each book truly deserved it’s own lane.
Next up on my review parade is “The Sneaky Parents,” which is also written by Rebecca Ventre. This author is funny, endearing, and so engaging. You feel the nostalgia of a child-like perspective when you read her books, and it is really captivating so get wrapped up in. The author’s family was the inspiration behind the characters and even the art pictured here on the cover is a sketch of actual artwork of the author’s children.
This book has some of us thinking that if we “judge a book by it’s cover” then we might make some lofty assumptions of what actually goes on in this book! But, this story is in fact kid-friendly, and worth finding out what is so sneaky about these parents.
“The Sneaky Parents” is written from a child’s perspective about what takes place after bedtime. As parents, I think we can all agree that bedtime can be a BEAR, but this is actually the perfect bedtime read because it revolves around the realities and necessity of bedtime. I like that this book is the perfect length because I don’t know about you, but a long bedtime story is hard for me to get through.
My Teaching Moments: When I read this book to my kids I like to ask them “What would you do if you could stay up all night?” I encourage them to go to sleep thinking about those things because if they do, they will probably dream about them. And, if so, it will be just like staying up all night doing those things without being too tired the next day. I also like to tell my kiddos about the things I do like cleaning, laundry, and getting ready for the next day because it helps them to understand that mommy needs bedtime to go smoothly so I can be ready for the day ahead.
This book is so cute. I love a good bedtime story, and this one is one of those books that if my kids want me to read it “again” I actually want to read it again.
