The other day I observed a two year old hit his 8 year old brother in the face while playing at a toy table in a waiting room. I thought to myself “Okay, that’s pretty normal for a two year old to communicate with hitting (initially) because the two year old hasn’t had many opportunities to LEARN how to communicate in other ways (yet!). When I see things like this happen I think about what I would say for a consequence and then what I would do or say later to make a teachable moment out of that occurrence.
But in the waiting room, before I could really think about anything, the child’s mom (or grandma) JUMPED up and got in the little boys face, hovering over the little boy yelled, “I’m going to hit you in the face!” Then she picked him up by the arm and plopped him down in the seat, and told him something about being bad. When I looked this BABY in the eyes all I saw was a product of what behaviors he will CONTINUE to learn (from his mom) and practice, the “unwanted” behaviors, because he really hasn’t learned any other way to respond when he wants something.

This COULD HAVE been the first of MANY lessons on how to share, play nice, take turns, use words instead of hit, ANYTHING, but instead it was a lesson on how to respond in frustration and impatience, as modeled by the mom.

Please don’t get me wrong Mommy Teachers, I DO NOT want this post to be filled with momma-bashing comments and harsh judgments on moms that might have been caught on a bad day. I want this discussion to be one where we talk about POSITIVE approaches to teachable moments like these.

So, here are some tips for teaching 2’s,3’s, and 4’s when they make poor choices:

1. In the instance, approach it Super Nanny Style:

Get on their eye level, firmly but not volatile telling them “We do not hit our brother, we use our words. So if you hit or you are ugly to him again, you will sit in time out while your brother plays and you will not be able to play at all.” And then, FOLLOW THROUGH with this consequence if the behavior occurs.

2. LATER ON that day, in your own home, use a stuffed animal, puppet, doll, etc. to teach your child a lesson about their behavior. Just as adults learn the right approach to communication through the advice or instruction from a counselor (someone from the outside looking in), you will set up (the SAME scenario) with the puppet/stuffed animal to TEACH your little one the right choices to make. Kids have to learn these appropriate behaviors through teaching and EXAMPLE.

Below is my video EXAMPLE of a scenario you might create with you little one and a puppet to help teach your little one how think of other ways to solve the problem. I chose the scenario of the hitting sibling. James, Casey’s little one, was such a GREAT contributor to this video. I wish they lived close by because I wish I could film every video with him! This was the only video we took of this puppet show so I didn’t correct any of my word choice or dialogue so that you could see an unscripted,  authentic interaction.

My friend was telling me the other day that her kids have been getting in trouble at their moms day out for using words like “butt.”

She didn’t want to tell them that those words are BAD words because let’s face it….they aren’t BAD words. They are just not always appropriate in certain contexts and situations.

It is NORMAL for your little boys, and girls, to play around with A LOT of different words and to test their limits. And I agree with this Mommy Teacher….these are not “bad” words just not necessary for a young child, who doesn’t have a filter, to use them.

So, I shared with her one of my old tricks that I came up with when I teaching Kindergarten, and one that I still use when I work with kids.
When kids use words like butt, poop, etc., I call those Potty Talk words. Those are words that belong in the potty or the bathroom. So if a child uses one of those words, I ask them to please grab that word from their mouth (I use my hand to illustrate grabbing from my mouth and then turn my hand into a fist as if I have something in it), and then tell them to go put that word in the potty (I throw it in) and flush please (and flush).

This teaches kids that there is a place for this talk and it isn’t in talking to friends. If I hear them use it again at any point, I ask them “What kind of word is that?” (give them time to say “a potty word”) and then ask “Where does it go?” (“the potty”). And I ask them to go put it in there.
It worked for my friend Megan with her 3 and 4 year old boys too so try it and see if it works for your kids.

Here is a picture of Casey’s little boy putting the lid back down “like a real man” after flushing she says haha.

Another similar trick I use is when kids use a bossy tone or have an attitude I tell them to go throw that tone or hurtful words like “stupid” in the trash where it belongs because bossy tones can “trash” a friendship if you don’t get rid of them for good.

Finally, if kids are too loud inside, I ask them to go throw “outside voice” outside where it belongs.
All of this teaches children how to behave appropriately in an age-appropriate way 🙂

These posts on behavior may be lengthy, and may seem taxing at first, but I have a feeling that if you bite the bullet and get into the habit of consistently following a plan of action, you will be glad you did.

If you made some “house rules” yesterday, you now need a way to follow up with them.  So, after talking about and setting the rules, a great thing to talk about with your child is what will happen if they do/don’t make these good choices. 

It is important to sequence consequences from light to heavy because that way each child knows the weight of their choices.  So you might give a verbal warning first, “You may not jump on mommy’s couches.  This is your warning.  If you jump from couch to couch again, you will go to time out.” If the behavior happens again you follow through and issue the time out (one minute for each year old).  If there is a third offense, inform the child that he/she is losing a privilege (and again, follow through) because he/she is choosing to disobey.  Finally, if there is a fourth offense, bedtime time out.  

Not only is it good to have these consequences but it is great to give young children a visual reminder of what offense they are on.  A behavior chart is a great way to do that.   It is a measurable, illustrated way of reminding your child of their consequences.  You don’t want a bunch of empty claims… I assure you.  If you learn to keep up with a behavior chart don’t forget that you are not just observing their negative behaviors.  You are giving them opportunities to move UP the ladder to.  If you observe your child demonstrating obedience, move their marker up to the top and encourage them that you are noticing him/her trying to be the best he can be.

Here is a picture of Casey’s behavior chart.  She personalized it for James because he loves space, but the great news is…it is her business!!! She can personalize one for you too!!! 

This is the consequence sequence Casey follows as well:

“1st offense, warning
2nd offense, time out (1 minute per year)
3rd offense, toy time out (loses privilege, or whatever toy he is playing with)
4th offense, room time out on his bed
(hitting or purposefully hurting someone, goes immediately to his bed)”

“The Toy Time Out box, painted by my 3 year old, is VERY necessary in our house. He gets the toy taken away until the next day. Then the next day I make him recall why it got taken away.”